Of being fearless in this hard knock world.

"Hard Knock World - To live in a situation that is difficult, where the elements of the world seem to be against you all the time."


I read somewhere on social media that people will be riding this Miss Uganda 2014 wave till February next year. It is not yet February so, yes I am still allowed to write about Kalanguka Leah, Miss Uganda 2014.

Every single time I read a comment criticizing Kalanguka Leah (Miss Uganda 2014), I died so many slow painful deaths on the inside. People just kept taking us back several centuries. I learned a long time ago that it is a hard knock world. It can be cruel, when you don't fall into this category or stereotype, of what is socially accepted as beautiful. Kalanguka Leah stood against all these stereotypes. She beat the odds, instead of applauding her, we tried to claw and drag her back to the bottom. Sigh, it is a hard knock world.  This is not a rant for all the clueless and ignorant people who bashed Kalanguka Leah. This is me applauding Leah for being fearless.

The back lash from Kalanguka Leah's win, was just a harsh reminder that society is hateful, cruel and messed up. I cringe at the thought of bringing a child into this insane world. A world that will tell my child that they can't follow their dreams because they don't fit into this box, because they ain't skinny or have porcelain light skin. We grow up in a society that tells us that if we are not made a certain way then we shouldn't have any dreams. A society that unabashedly tells us that our dreams are not valid if we do not look like a cover girl. That if we do not look like barbie dolls , then we can not live extraordinary lives. This win is a reminder to everyone that no matter what they look like, their dreams are valid.

"For every little child, No matter where you are from, your dreams are valid- Lupita Nyong'o "

Kalanguka Leah's win is for all those girls who were told they were not beautiful because they did not fit into this box. For all those girls who were told that they need to bleach or use lightening creams because they were "not" as beautiful as their light skin friends.

This win could not have come at a better time. A time when self love in Uganda desperately needed a poster child. We as a country are short of great role models. We need more people like Kalanguka Leah. People who are fearless and are willing to put themselves out there, to stand against the tide. People who are comfortable in their own skin and love themselves fiercely and unapologetically.

Congratulations Kalanguka Leah. In my books, you are up there right next to Rosa Parks, and Martin Luther King Jr. You did it with so much grace. Slow clap for you.

Kalanguka Leah, today I celebrate you, I celebrate your beauty, grace and bravery.  Here is to living extraordinary lives, beating the odds and changing the world one beauty pageant at a time.

  Here is to changing the world one beauty pageant at a time, Haters do not interrupt 

The Rat Race

                  " The Rat race is an endless, self-defeating, or pointless pursuit. "
               

           

                                                            The Rat Race is real y'all.

 

Before my graduation, I knew I was in for a ride. I needed to be prepared, so I went and read every single thing I could find on life after graduation. You will not believe the number of open letters people have written to themselves, about the things they wish they knew at the time of their graduation. One year and two jobs later, I believe nothing will prepare you for this wild ride. Nothing will prepare you for leaving the safety that is formal education. After graduation, life gets real and nothing will prepare you for that. I love lists so here are the lessons I have learned one year and two jobs later. I have done so much in the last year so here are the life truths I have taken away from all of it.

   #1

Work can be horrifying.  I did not lead with this to frighten you. I am just putting it out there, work can be very horrifying. There will be days when you just want to get hit by a bus, days when you just do not want to get out of bed. Days when you would rather curl up and cry than go to work. Days when you sit and think to yourself, is this even worth it? I am not an insecure person, but the most insecure I have ever been about my abilities has been this past year. Some days I just feel so spent that all I want to do is marry rich and never have to work another day in my life. Days like this pass, they do not last forever. I get through them by reminding myself that work is beyond wonderful. Some days the rats in this rat race are winning. If you do not believe me refer to lesson two below.

#2

Work can be beyond wonderful.  Work is wonderfully fulfilling. It can be that amazing adrenaline rush. Some days work is this exhilarating thing that shocks you and allows you to change the lives of the people around you. It is days like this that make me believe that one can win in this rat race. Days like this are the reason I have not yet gone on millionaire match maker to find myself a rich man. Days like this, where my work is making a difference, are the reason I still go to work. Find something you love and work won't seem so horrifying.

#3

A solid support system will keep you sane and grounded. Can I please have a slow clap for all the loyal family and friends who always got my back. A huge shout out to my bad bishes. Everyone needs a solid support system in order to make it out of this rat race alive. No matter how busy you get , make time for family and friends because when shit hits the fan and shit will hit the fan regularly, you will need your family and friends. My first job had me sleeping all day then working the night shift. I was working weekends as well so that did not leave me enough time to spend with my family and friends. When shit eventually hit the fan at this job (told y'all shit will always hit the fan), my family and friends were there to pick up the pieces with me. They were all there to offer me support and great counsel. 

#4

If you stir the shit pot, you should be ready to lick the spoon.  Do not start any trouble because there will be consequences. Do not run your mouth. No one can stand a Miss Know-It-All. Keep calm and stay in your lane. Don't go burning bridges because this world is so small.

#5

I swear to God, working for 25 minutes straight then taking a five minute break works. I swear by it. I used to be the queen of procrastination till I read about it on the internet. Look at how Google went and changed my life.

#6

Slow down.  Don't be too hard on yourself. It is okay not to have everything figured out right now. I have had numerous panic attacks from constantly telling myself that I am getting left behind. Sometimes I think to myself, people my age are changing the world and my life is still on pause. I realized that the only way I was going to survive this rat race, was if I took it one day at a time.

#7

Focus is everything. Focus, focus, focus. Focus is so important I had to say it thrice.  Focus is the  concentration of attention or energy on something. Starting out in the work world, I was convinced that I could do it all, that I could be every woman. I was even throwing around words like "I want to be a triple threat" It slowly dawned on me that I could do everything but doing everything would be so much easier if I concentrated my efforts on one thing at a time.  I went on a job interview recently. The interviewer has such an amazing poker face. He would make bucket loads of money playing poker, damn. I walked out of that room and I knew that the job was mine. Heck I even picked out an outfit for my first day of work. Cocky much? I did not get the job but I learned a lot from this interview. No one has ever stressed the importance of focus the way this interviewer did. He taught me that focus is everything.

                                                          Focus, Focus, Focus

#8

Stay hydrated. 

#9

Stay focused, refer to lesson number seven up there. Focus and then when you feel like you have focused enough, focus some more.

#10

Attention to detail is very important. If that is not your special talent, Google has got your back. I am sure there is a lesson plan on there on how to be the type of person who pays attention to the details.

#11

People can be very unappreciative. I have learned how to pat myself on the back and move on swiftly whenever this happens.

#12

If you have no idea how to do something just ask for help. It will save you time, it will save you from standing at the photocopier for twenty minutes and making 50 copies yet you were only trying to make that one copy that your boss asked for. Face palm.

   

              That is what you get when you mess up, after feeling like too much of a ninja to ask.

#13

Live and let God. It has been a long year. One year and two jobs later, the hugest lesson I have learned is to Live and Let God.

Fat Fatty

 

                My reaction whenever someone called me fat. (Mini heart attack I tell you)

Did you just Title this, Fat Fatty??? *mini heart attack.* That right there was me, a few years ago. Each time someone called me fat. I felt faint, knees turned to jelly,  had several mini heart attacks. I won't even lie, it is too exhausting. That guy up there has it too easy. I reacted way worse, in that moment I always felt a bout of diarrhea coming on. All because some one went and called me Fat. I can laugh about it today, but there was a time in my life when calling me fat made me cry.

Fast forward to today, my friends call me Phatie, my twitter handle is @iphatie ( do not be shy, follow me), My Facebook is Kihembo Doreen Phatie (I just had to throw this in as well, do friend me). My blog is called iphatie for those of you who missed that small fact. How did I get here? How did I get from the girl that would almost shit her pants because someone called her fat, to this other person who lets people call her Fat Phatie? I  also smile and wave when people on the streets of Kampala call me Straka. A few years ago, I would have hurt somebody for calling me Straka. How did this happen?

“Let me give you some advice, bastard: Never
forget what you are. The rest of the world will
not. Wear it like armor, and it can never be
used to hurt you.”
“Once you’ve accepted your flaws, no one can
use them against you.”
“Would you rather be called the Imp? Let them
see that their words can cut you, and you’ll
never be free of the mockery. If they want to
give you a name, take it, make it your own.
Then they can’t hurt you with it anymore.” -
Tyrion, Game of Thrones

The Imp took those words right out of my mouth. I swear, I was thinking the exact same thing. "If they want to give you a name, take it , make it your own. Then they can't hurt you with it anymore." 

 So the world is a cruel place, Did you know that Fat shaming is actually a real thing. There was an entire Facebook page that was dedicated solely to shaming Fatties. People have a lot of time though. The things you will find on the internet. There is a fork that zaps you when you eat too much just so you won't get fat. Talk about the crappy things people are so busy inventing, yet we still need a cure for cancer. Fat is not the worst thing you can call me. I wish people on the plus side got that. Fat is not the worst thing some one can call you. This is a lesson I will make sure my kids learn. I already know they will be Fatties, it's all in the genes. I do not cringe, piss or shit my pants when someone calls me Fat because  Fat is not a Flaw, Fat is not ugly, it ain't something I need to cover up disguise or camouflage.

I realised a long time ago that the only way I was ever going to be happy, was not by losing a few pounds, dressing better or being insanely rich Though I wish I was insanely rich. The only way I was ever going to be happy was being comfortable in my own skin, embracing and loving the body I had fearlessly and unapologetically.

Go ahead Fat shame me, Heck force feed me with that fork that will zap me each time. I will continue to love me fearlessly and unapologetically. I just can not say it enough. My body ain't wrong. Your body ain't wrong, all our bodies ain't wrong.

Lessons I have learned since the "big chop" (I AM NOT MY HAIR)

I cut my luscious locks, (I insist they were luscious). It should be noted that when I cut my hair, I was not having a Britney Spears moment neither was I joining the natural hair movement . More power to all the naturalistas out there. I do not remember the exact date I cut my hair because, well nothing is ever that serious. I cut my hair and Halleluiah, can I please get an AMEN,  I did not die, my life did not stop but most importantly I feel more beautiful and confident than ever.

       Before the big chop, I was not lying about the luscious locks.

                              Day one of this short hair life, killing it with my wet look

I have learned so much since I cut my hair. My favorite lesson is that everything is easier with short hair.  I even sleep easy with my short hair.

I love lists so here is a list of the biggest lessons I have learned since I cut my hair.

Zero tact

One of the first lessons I learned after cutting my hair is that, Everyone just lacks tact, People know absolutely nothing about being subtle, having a bit of tact or laying it on me nice and slow. After I cut my hair, several people in my family obviously didn't like it and they were not going to be quiet about it. (Bakiga Oyee) One of them just came up to me and whispered. "If you can no longer afford to visit a hair dresser just say so, as a matter of fact here is the money" he then handed me the money and I just went out and had me some ice cream. I still don't know why he whispered. That was probably his way of being subtle.

 Sadly, people are very superficial.

I decided to cut my hair because every single person I asked said I should not cut my hair. I heard so many annoying and superficial reasons why i shouldn't cut it. Oh a woman's hair is her crowning glory, you will look like a guy, oh you will look like a mother of five, but the shape of your head, short hair is not for you. With every other person I asked, the reasons just kept getting so shallow and even more superficial. These damn reasons are the reason aliens will not speak to us. It was just sad to listen to how people were all absorbed with what I looked like on the outside. Since I cut my hair I have learned that I am probably too grown to care if short hair makes me look like a mother of 5 or a chubby boy with man boobs. What is so wrong with looking like that?

Eff your Beauty standards, I refuse to conform,
After the big chop, I heard from a few of my former friends ( yes , former friends, we were not staying friends after their nastiness)  that I didn't look beautiful with short hair. I did not even try to reason with them. I learned a long time ago that ugly is not the worst thing you can call me. I am not that petty.


I look pretty awesome with short hair, wooop wooop  (nuff said, no need for any supporting statements)

I am not my hair

 
The most important lesson I have learned though is that I will never let my hair define me. short, long, not so long, dry, wavy, curly, weaved or braided. I will continue to love me fiercely.

Life on the Phat lane.

I am currently obsessed with plus size blogs. The fashion on there is just to die for. I thank the WIFI gods that I found this article called “What Being a Fat Woman Is Really Like” that was talking about the complexities of being a fat woman. I do not even feel comfortable using the word complexities as though being fat is a disease. This article gave me a chance to say a lot of things that I was dying to say but just didn’t know how.

Below are my answers to the same questions as the original article. I took out a lot of the questions because some of them were just annoying and retarded,


How do you feel when other women around you complain about feeling/being fat?
When women complain about feeling or being fat, especially the really skinny ones, so help me God, I just want to cut them. Yes, I am violent like that. They should just take a seat or read a damn book. Women like that are just fishing for compliments, attention or reassurance. I ignore them. They eventually take a seat or go on back to their little corner or find someone who can pretend to give a shit.
But there is this other type of woman, who is not fat but has had it drummed into her head that she is fat and that being fat, is ugly and it is the worst thing that could happen to you. I just want to hug them and tell them that they are beaurifurr no matterrrrr what other people say. And yes sometimes I pull out my imaginary mic and break into the Christina Aguilera jam.


How has your body image changed since high school or College?
The most insecure I have ever been was before I turned 13. I look at pictures from way back then and swear to God, I don’t remember being that pretty or skinny (I was so damn skinny). I just remember waking up, feeling so fat and not wanting to go to school. I was so stuck feeling fat i never stopped to breathe. Before I turned 13, I felt too dark, too fat and too ugly. It probably sounds like I am throwing myself a pity party right now but who doesn’t love a great pity party.
So how has my body image changed since I was 13? It has changed by leaps and bounds. I have grown so much since then, spiritually, emotionally, mentally and physically especially physically. I have grown a whole lot physically. Hehe, I am not telling you how much I weigh, I could tell you my age though but never how much I weigh.


Have you tried dieting? What happened?
I have not seriously tried to diet. I have chosen to eat better, sometimes.


Do you think in your case your weight is partly or entirely genetic?
I stunk at biology so I just cannot give an informed response. My grandmother is a lot on the plus side; I have first cousins who are very much on the plus side. One of them turned 18 recently and she was telling me how she really wanted to lose the weight. Good for her I guess. What tugged at my heart strings was the way she talked about herself being fat and unacceptable. My heart broke for her. I gave her a pep talk for a couple of hours she did not seem convinced so I will pray for her. (I am spiritual like that as well). However, I have very skinny siblings. That is just a story for another day.


Do you consider yourself healthy? Have there been instances where people assumed you were unhealthy?
I will not even bother telling a lie. It is too damn exhausting. I do not consider myself healthy. I pant after a walk up a flight of stairs. However, my heart is doing just fine, so is my blood pressure. I woke up this morning, I am alive that is what should matter.


Are your parents both supportive of you at the weight you’re at? Have they always been?
My parents worry that I will drop dead one day because of the weight I am at. They are just constantly getting me to take walks, go fetch things and tricking me to exercise. My Dad is always giving me pointers on how to stretch before and after I exercise. He asks me to order the healthiest things on the menu when we go out. My mother on the same hand cringes when I wear anything that shows off my tummy rolls. But doesn’t every parent treat their children like that? Have my parents ever made me feel less because of my weight? Never ever. One day I will start to take them seriously and actually exercise and eat right. Any day now actually.


How do you think retailers can improve clothes for plus-size people?
The hardest thing for me used to be finding clothes that fit. I remember being 12 and going shopping with my mother. I hated it so much. We would go store to store, all day long, looking for clothes and I would get so frustrated and start to sob. The clothes would cost a chubby arm and a leg. It was crazy as though they were charging for the extra material used. However, today I can find clothes anywhere. I always pull my mother’s leg and tell her that the day they stop making clothes in my size will be the day I get me some gym membership. Yes, I think I am funny.


Do you think plus-size women are judged differently than plus-sized men are? How?
My boy friend is on the plus side, his life seems dandy. He is not worried about his lack of abs or his one pack. In my opinion, men on the plus side do get it easy. Plus size women on the other hand are ridiculed for every pound they put on.



Do you think there’s an assumption made/stereotype that exists about plus-size people? How would you respond to it?
There are several stereotypes that just make me so mad. The first one being that people look at someone on the plus side and they will immediately assume that the person is lazy. Fine I am kind of lazy, I would rather lounge than sweat but come on give me a chance. Do not write me off as lazy but also if you decide to write me then that is your loss. Do have a good life.
The second stereotype is that most men believe that women on the plus side are easy, desperate for some love and attention. Guys come up to me all the time (blowing own trumpet), a lot of these guys feel like they are doing me a favor for which I should be awfully grateful and show some appreciation. How do I respond to this stereotype? I do absolutely nothing. The idiota eventually realizes that they are backing up the wrong tree.


Do you think there’s ever a right way or time to express concern about someone’s weight?
I will not mince words on this one. There is no right way to express concern about someone’s weight. It is none of your damn business that I look like a house. I may be fat but that has not affected my sight in any way, Thank you very much. I am not blind. I can see that I have put on weight in all the wrong places but your concern is not appreciated. It is just not necessary. It is rude and grown people should know better. This tough love and intervention nonsense that people live for is just mavi ya kuku (read chicken shit). People just need to get a life, pick your nose and watch some porn. It is just not your place to be concerned about my weight.


What are the worst things people have said to you about your body?
A lot of things have been said about my weight. A lot of these things are crazy funny. Like pee in your pants and laugh for days kind of funny. The one thing that I will never forget though, someone said to me that no man would ever love me and the only reason why a man would ever sleep with me is so that he can be able to check sleeping with a fatty off his bucket list.


How did you respond?
I suck at great come backs. I really do, I have lost so many fights because of that. I did not respond. Several years later I still don’t have a response.



Do you find yourself hanging out with women who are closer to your size?
I constantly tell my friends that I hate pretty people, so if you are my friend then clearly you are not pretty. It sounds so much funnier when I say it in my head. I have friends in every shape, size and colour. Life is too short to hang with only fatties. However, I am that girl who will root for the plus size politician, model, blogger, dancer, singer and reality TV star. We fatties need to stick together.


How has your weight affected your sex life, if at all?
People “Nsese Nyo Nengwa Eli.” I am such a prude, so I will not be talking about my sex life.


When you’ve been single, has your weight affected your dating life?
I have not been single in a very very very long time so I do not know the answer to this one. However, I acknowledge that people are shallow and I do not fit in the bracket of what is socially accepted as beautiful or sexy but do I care or have I ever cared? Nope. Will I be having sleepless nights over that fact? Nope, I will be sleeping like a baby. eff society's beauty standards i refuse to conform.


I feel the need to disclaimer this post.
No one was harmed during the writing of this post.

Hello World;

Cliche Title,I know, but I am the queen of all things cliche. It is such a huge crown but I carry it with such grace. A few weeks ago I went to a book launch, i had actually gone for the great finger food they serve at the end of such dos but that was the day it all changed for me.

 During the launch while I stuffed my face with amazing food and made some small talk, one of the writers said something to me that made my jaw drop. It actually took me a while to pick up that damn jaw and wipe the drool. I barely remember what I had said to her but i will never forget what she said to me. I was probably whining about how I want to be a writer but I don't have the balls, (writers have such big balls). She looked square at me and told me, "If it is your wish to write, My dear ,you will write and you will write good." Sounds pretty basic and easy the way she said it, right? Hehe, That is one of the most cryptic things I ever heard. It took me a while to wrap my head around her words. For days I processed what she had said to me, I thought of nothing else but the words she had spoken. I am obsessive and slow like that. Then it finally hit me like a tonne of bricks. Go ahead write, that never killed anyone. And that my friends is how this blog was born. Deciding that I was going to write was the easy part, but what in the world was I going to write about? I still have not figured that one out but here we are.

A long time ago I asked a writer friend of mine,(turns out i have a lot of those), to give me some tips and tricks of the trade, He told me, "write about what you know." Another mind boggling statement from a writer, Why in the world do they always have to be so damn cryptic? I eventually decoded it and decided to write about what I know. Here is why i write, because it feels right. See what i did there with the write and right. hehe I am getting the hang of this writing thing. I write because no one else can tell my story like I can. I write because , in this insane world we all need that thing that grounds us, music does that for a lot of people but for me writing is my drug/ poison of choice. I want to dedicate this first post, (Do people do that on here? hmmmh), to that writer chick at the book launch. It probably looked like I was paying more attention to the finger food than I was to you but I was actually listening.